There are happy things at my current job like the fact that I have one when so many people don't and I get to learn new things and I have friends there but no, I'm not completely happy.  I want more challenges and I want to be paid what a man in my job gets and I want to not have to be so paranoid about everything because one of the powers that be is on such a power trip that we have to justify everything we do if our actions aren't at her instruction.  Yes, I think there are dream jobs.  I also think that any job could be a dream job depending on the circumstances and the person in the job because as human beings, we like different things and our circumstances can sometimes make the most menial of jobs seem perfect. 

In five or ten years I don't expect to be in the same job I have now because I don't expect that job to exist at this business.  I expect a complete restructuring of the business in the next couple of years and there's a good chance that my job might even be phased out before then.  Am I working toward the goal of being where I want to be in 5-10 years?  No, not really.  I'm just hanging on, stuck in place, tethered here by things I don't want to lose by moving forward.  I know I'm stagnating and on some level I know it's not good for me even though another part of me doesn't care but I'm not ready to give up yet.  My job is not part of that.  It simply enables me to stay here.  I understand why I'm here in this place and time and I know how I got here.  When I finally don't want to be here anymore, I'll move on and then I'll find my dream job.  The job I have now could have been it.  It came close once but that was under different owners.

The Breakfast Club is one I've watched over and over.  Don't know why.  It just speaks to me. 

Duh!  If they have an inclination to cheat, knowing they won't get caught gives them the perfect opportunity.  Why wouldn't they jump at that? 

As for which sex in particular, the part of me that has been cheated on would like to say men are bigger cheaters than women but that's the obvious answer.  I read the other day that a survey found that 85% of the women they talked to said they've considered it.  The quickness of a male to become aroused and get off might make him more likely to cheat but not everyone wants wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

Does it take intercourse to cheat?  I know women who think if their man fantasizes about someone else, they've cheated.  I also know women who if they found out their men were masturbating in the shower they'd consider it cheating.  You would not believe the way a friend of mine carried on over her husband getting an offer for Playboy in the mail.  Like he can control what the mailman brings!  pfft

I've heard men justify affairs because their women don't understand them or don't care about them in that way anymore.  I personally know a couple where the male half would like sex once in a while but the wife always says no.  They haven't had sex in over two years.  She says she simply has no interest in that anymore.  I don't understand it but that's how she feels.  I also know a woman who strayed outside the marriage because her hubby suffers from ED.  Personally, I think she should have discussed it with him and figured out ways the two of them could have gotten around that, toys, new positions, Viagra, whatever.

Do I believe in marriage?  Yes, but it's a two way proposition and there doesn't seem to be anyway to get past the fact that one person usually gives more than the other.  If you are the giver and can accept that you probably won't ever get back as much as you give, then your marriage might have a chance.  If you can't accept that then you're headed for heartache.

I don't "do" depression.  I don't have time for it for myself and I don't have patience for people who think they are depressed because of some trivial incident like breaking a nail.  Depression is not just a state of mind and you can't just smile and suddenly be over it.  Depression is a real illness that can manifest with physical symptoms as well as mental.  It is real, I know that and I feel for people who really have it and I can understand the causes of it.

For myself I don't "do" depression but I do "do" mad.  My beautiful one year younger sister suffered from depression and it was real.  Her death on July 30 of this year was probably the most shocking thing I've experienced in years.  I can't really explain why because I don't entirely understand the incredible shift my own psyche has undergone since I forced my Mom to tell me over the phone while I was at work in front of my co-workers what had happened.  Mom didn't want to and it turns out Mom knew best.  I should have waited until I was at home with no witnesses but that's what happens when we "defy" our Moms.

Beauty died as a result of domestic violence.  I keep thinking about how much people change and yet I didn't see how much she had until it was too late.  She was always so lively.  I've always been kinda serious and shy and introverted even although I do have a pretty wide circle of friends but she was the go getter.  She figured out what she wanted and she did it.  She didn't worry about consequences or if she did, she sure didn't let it show.  She did what she wanted and you either got on board or you watched the train pull out without you.  When our father was ill and having heart surgeries I had 2 little boys and a new job and debt from a recent move on top of normal monthly bills.  I couldn't see anyway to go home to help and I was so afraid of us losing the little income we had that I never even offered to try to get home.  Beauty went.  She didn't care if she lost her job.  She didn't have a family of her own and she was confident people would understand how important family is.  Back then, if someone had suggested she might be fired her response would have been, "Fuck em."

I made a huge mistake in my early 20s that has haunted me ever since.  It was one of those mistakes that you can never take back and you end up carrying with you forever.  For me, it ended up defining me and many of the decisions I've made over the years since have been ruled by the fear that took up residence in me all those years ago.  Had it been Beauty, again she would have said, "Fuck em" and gone on with her life.  She was vibrant and smart and funny as hell until she wasn't anymore.

She got married in the early 90s and her husband was "normal" for the first few years.  Then they had children and he turned into a major control freak she only half-jokingly called "the warden."  He had to know where she was at every minute and woe be to her if she so much as smiled at another male.  He controlled her money by making it nearly impossible for her to work, he controlled where they went by allowing the children to behave so badly she was embarrased to be seen in public with them.  She had friends but they were mostly on the down low because they didn't entertain and having friends was completely discouraged.  He encouraged the boys to call her horrible names and misbehave to the point that the oldest was constantly in trouble at school.  And it broke her heart.  I remember her calling around the time the oldest was in kindergarten or first grade and she was so upset for him because he'd invited his entire class to his birthday party and NO ONE CAME.  They either didn't want to or they were forbidden to attend because of his potty mouth and meanness.  All of which was acceptable to the warden.

When Beauty got sick in the late 90s, his mother convinced him she was faking her illness and in spite of having to have a second surgery because the first hysterectomy was botched, he continued to believe it was all for show.  She tried to leave but she really loved those boys, more than anything.  More than her own life as it turned out.  California has stupid laws regarding divorces and a point came at which she realized she would only get out of the marriage if she was willing to leave the boys.  She couldn't do that so she stayed.  She gave up so much to stay a part of their lives.  And the thing that kills me the most is that in the beginning, the warden didn't even want the kids!  When they got married he said he didn't want kids and didn't change his mind until a couple of years had passed!  (There are some of us in the family who think she should have called his bluff about leaving them.  We all know he isn't a good parent and probably would have caved and let her have them after a couple of days of having to actually parent them for a change.)  Maybe that's what did it, maybe changing his mind and having children made him decide to make sure they were the worst possible kids anyone could have.  God knows the warden wasn't above "punishing" her whenever he saw fit.

She tried to get the oldest boy some help.  She took him to counseling and hoped they could figure out what was wrong with him.  When he was diagnosed as bipolar, she felt like it was a cop out because they couldn't or wouldn't take the time to really find out what was wrong.  I'm not a doctor by any means but I don't really see the bipolar either simply because he never had the upswings that bipolar people have.  He could be manic when he was angry but I don't know, I just don't see it.  And after the angry periods he didn't suffer the low periods.  Anyway, even with a diagnosis finally, the warden didn't believe he needed meds and wouldn't take him to his sessions if Beauty had to work and wouldn't remind him to take his meds or even take them with them on trips so the diagnosis, wrong or right, didn't matter.

The oldest boy's poor behaviour continued with him alienating himself even more at school until this spring he earned himself a suspension for several weeks.  His "punishment" for being kicked out of school?  The warden bought him a Wii.  But I digress as usual.  Beauty ended up having to quit her job, something I'm sure the warden rejoiced over because he knew she loved her job and it allowed her to interact with normal folks as opposed to the controlling kind.  She spent every minute of the suspension trying to talk to her son and trying to get him to behave right and with a few words, the warden would undo it all upon walking in the door.

I can only imagine the shock she must have felt the first time this child of her womb, the child she sacrificed her freedom for and loved with all her heart in spite of his obvious flaws, knocked her down for the first time.  Knocked her down in front of witnesses.  Knocked her down and out so she had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital to have her scalp stitched up.  Even the police could see she had done nothing to defend herself against him because as she put it, "I couldn't hit my child."  The warden tried to lie and say she fell but the police weren't buying it, not that day anyway.

So why do I say I "do" mad?  Because I'm angry.  I've been angry since July 30 and while it fades until I remember that Beauty is not going to call me at work just to tell me a joke or send me something stupid by email, it comes back as soon as I remember.  I saw her at Christmas time and I knew then she wasn't the same Beauty from our childhood but she was on some meds for her illness that only let us see glimpses of the real Beauty.  I knew but I convinced myself the meds were the reason.  So I'm mad at myself too even though I know there was nothing I could have done, nothing she would have let me do.

I'm angry at people who upon hearing that she died as a result of family violence think they have the right to ask questions, think they have the right to know every detail and actually ask questions about it and stand there waiting for me to answer.  I'm also angry at people who say stupid things like, "she just should have left" when they hear about it.  I'm angry at people who are so stupid as to think that's how it works.  Taking over someone's life is a gradual process.  it isn't like one day she just woke up and the warden was controlling her.  It was a process.  It was insidious.  It was slow.  It took years to get to that point.  And the overriding fact is she loved her children and couldn't see leaving them until it became impossible to stay.  And that is why she died on July 30.  Because if it hadn't happened then, on that day, she would have been gone. 

I am just so damned mad I can't even express it.  And I can't vent like I want to because I don't know if I could control it if I let myself behave the way I wish I could.  Until July 30, I didn't know I could get this angry.  I didn't really understand the phrase "impotent rage" until July 30 but I do now.  When I think about the root cause of the anger it fades and leaves such an incredible sadness behind that right now I guess I need the anger.  It isn't present all the time and i certain function as near to normal as I ever get *grin* but at moments I'm swept by such a strong desire to beat the crap out of someone that I have to not think about it. 

Asshat University is downsizing.  So far those included in the cuts include my boss who says he's glad it was him and not me since he's a 2 income house and I'm not.  I got moved to another department and they hired 1 person to do the computer/printer/networking stuff that two of us had been doing.  Even though neither of us are involved anymore, there's still some angst on the part of the Network Nazi toward us to the point that he will only speak to me if I say something to him in front of witnesses.  (You know me, I have to say something even if it's just hi because it tickles me to force him to speak.  lol)

I couldn't figure it out for a while, why the animosity but after watching the new dynamic I think I finally wrapped my mind around the problem.  If someone had an issue that we couldn't solve in a straight forward manner (usually because the Nazi took away our ability to do it) we'd have to talk to the Nazi about it.  If he wouldn't/couldn't fix it and refused to understand that deadlines are sometimes carved in stone, we'd find another way around the problem and after a few times of asking and being denied help, etc. we quit asking.  Why keep hitting our head against that wall?  The new guy will not do that.  There are no end runs around the NN, in fact if someone asks the new guy for help and the NN tells him it can't or won't be done, he just quits.  He doesn't care if it could lead to an audit or a complaint or a possible visit from the State or Federal government officials.  NN said no so it's no and screw you if you keep asking for help.  So within the limited abilities I've retained, I've been secretly helping people and it got to be too much.  I was at the point of having heart palpitations (not really but it felt like it sometimes) every time I got a phone call or someone asked me to come to administration.  Most of the requests to go "up front" were for donuts or birthday cake!

There's been a lot of stuff getting to me lately, not least of which is the death of my sister beauty_sleep .  I still can't wrap my head around that and changing jobs by force a week after my return from her funeral even though I'm doing a lot of the same stuff I was doing before, I just needed some time off.  I asked the CEO (who I now report to) if I could have a week and he said to "do what I thought was best."  WTF?

So I've been off for a week, a week in which I had planned to do a ton of stuff and here it is 1 day from being over and I haven't done any of the stuff on my list.  I read a couple of books, watched a lot of recorded tv, cooked, did some cleaning and just messed around.  My ceiling fans and windows still need cleaned, my filing is still in a heap, and my laundry isn't even done.  Maybe if the sun had come out for a few minutes this week, I might have gotten inspired but it didn't.  The most energetic thing I did was the election we had on Tuesday.  Spent all day cleaning up the office and catching up with that paperwork.  Yesterday I went to the courthouse to turn in the payroll sheets and it wasn't raining, just cloudy.  When I came back out a few minutes later, one of the detectives from the PD was walking out too.  It was sprinkling.  I said, "It's raining, what a surprise."  We laughed our asses off.  It rained over 6 inches in one day! 
What else can you do but laugh?

I may live to regret my week off but if the place closes like I'm half afraid it will, I wouldn't have gotten the pay anyway and if it doesn't, I'll have built that week back up by Christmas at which time, I'll probably take another week!  lol  Not going to worry and have palpitations over imagined horrors anymore!  There are plenty of real horrors out there that make my worry over keeping my job seem small.

Why on earth did I eat a piece of watermelon when I'm on my way to bed???  I swear I need my head examined sometimes.

Saw Taken tonight.  It was pretty good.  R & K bought it along with several other movies before they invited me over.  They own a lot of movies, around 2000 on VHS and DVDs.  I enjoy movies but most of the time I'm good with only seeing them once.  Most of the movies I own I bought because the price was comparable to the price for renting them.  I also joined Columbia House for a while and got movies that way.  If you don't have tv I guess I can understand wanting to own movies but otherwise, a movie has to be pretty good for me to spend the $$$ buying it.

Anyway, we also watched Burn After Reading.  I loved Brad Pitt's character!  He was a hoot.

I'm tired of locusts.  They're leaving their ugly brown shells all around my house and one sans shell was laying on my back steps when I went to work this morning.  They are gross and freaky looking and I don't like them.  Yes, they are harmless to people.  I don't care.  I want them to go to someone else's yards to hatch or shed or molt or whatever the hell they are doing.

That whole "they only come out every seven years" line needs Paul Harvey telling the rest of the story.  It's not a myth, it's just that what that line doesn't tell you is that it will be 7 years before this year's crop of them come back again.  Last year's crop and the year before that and the one before that, etc. show up 7 years later too.  So what does that mean???  It means we have the stupid things digging their way up out of our yards every year and making the slow crawl to something vertical so they can mutate out of their shells and leave them hanging in some conspicuous spot so when we are just trying to get to work on time hoping we look like we're ready to great another exciting day at Asshat University, we can come out of our houses and come face to face with the stupid things hanging from our tires or our steps or some little edge of paint that is sticking up right where you didn't do that good a job of repainting your door a couple years ago.  

So I don't want to hear that line again.  Ever!  I mean it!  If I do, someone is getting spanked!

Okay, I'm on facebook now.  I have to be nice there.  No angst and no talk of threesomes because I use it for legitimate things and besides, it has my name on it.  lol  I've had the page for a few days and so far I've friended (guess that's a word now) or been friended by people I'm invoved with on the politcal front or knew in high school.  I even connected with my English teacher from high school.  My favorite English teacher who had a very sexy and good looking husband about whom I know a story that would give me nightmares if I thought about it long enough so I'm not.  lol  I like lj for several reasons, anonymity being one.  The posts (if that's the correct word for it) on facebook are very short and you know how I like to run on and on at times.  :-)

Things on the work front are the same.  Administration sent out a memo last week that said all hourly employees are allowed to take two PAID breaks in an 8 hour period if staffing allows it and are required to take an unpaid lunch.  No news that.  The interesting thing was the next paragraph that said we have to punch out to take our breaks.  We now have to punch out for lunch even if we just go to the cafeteria instead of having lunch auto deducted from our time.  If we punch out for our breaks, we don't get paid.  So far no one has been brave enough to point out the contradiction to admin.  It's been talked about in the cafeteria but that's it.  Supposedly admin is going to monitor the doors (smoking area is outside) and anyone caught leaving the building without punching out will be fired.  The plan is to reduce staff without coming across as bad guys by having to lay anyone off.  I don't even know where to begin...  Suffice to say it is inevitable that someone who's a good employee is going to get cut while the "bad apples" will be there until they die.  Yep, the rocket scientists up front really thought that one out!  Their plan has failed though because everyone knows what they're doing and besides looking like idiots, they are still the bad guys.  lol

R quit.  After 16 years he went to work for someone else.  Apparently the $$ at the new job are pretty good because he's bought a motorcycle.  Midlife crisis anyone????  lol  Just kidding.  He's a great guy.  He had my job six years ago then transferred to another department and I moved into his place.  He's been my backup whenever my boss is out of town.  Next week will be my first week absolutely alone.  You know what that means.  If I have any real problems I've got to call the Network Asshole, I mean Network Admin.  If you hear a scream it'll be me!

If you want to laugh until you pee your pants go see The Hangover.  It is that hilarious in my opinion.  And no, I didn't pee my pants but I did choke on my drink once.  lol

So what do you do when you are asked (yes it finally happened at my advanced age, lol) to participate in a threesome and one of the people is someone you don't EVER want to see naked?????

Sadly I had to say no. 

But that doesn't negate the fact that I was asked.  SCORE!!!!

I'm working on a project to rebuild a database that was fine two weeks ago on a Thursday then mysteriously disappeared about 9:30 on Friday morning.  It's important enough that I've spent the last two weekends working on it and earned a little green stuff to put towards the unexpected IRS bill.  (Okay, having the bill was expected, it was the size of it that was unexpected.)  The number of hours were appreciated by Uncle Sam as well.  Turns out when you make overtime, he gets a bigger cut.  Seems kinda unfair huh?  I'm giving up my weekends to earn money to pay him and he turns around and takes a bigger bite out of it than he would outta normal pay.  Oh well. 

His Ass Holiness was here today.  I rather like that name for our Network Nazi.  I'll probably continue using it putting me in danger of calling him that to his face.  Since our initial negative contact in January getting comprehensive info out of him has been like pulling teeth.  Today he gave me a lecture on being more explicit about work orders!  %$#&ing Asshat Asshole! 

Spring has sprung and flowers are in bloom even though it was below 30 last night.  Ahhhh spring in the south!  I shouldn't complain, the last few years we've actually had all 4 seasons as opposed to Wyoming which only has 2 - winter and road construction!  lol

Talked to my stepdad on his birthday and he said the tests he had done came back clean - no cancer!  Great news!  Now he can concentrate on getting his strength back from the illnesses he had this fall and Mom can worry less and take care of herself more.

If you want a good movie that will keep you riveted to the screen, try Eagle Eye.  Saw it this weekend and it was so fast paced I mostly couldn't take my eyes off the tv.  It came out on video recently I think.  Also saw Ghost Town which was pretty funny.  I hadn't watched a movie in a while so I especially enjoyed getting out and seeing them with some friends.

Slowly but surely my evenings are becoming my own again.  The overtime of January is sadly, over.  I like having the time to meet personal obligations again but why did it have to end just when I found out I owe taxes to the tune of $501? 

The doors are still open at AssHat U, the paychecks didn't bounce, and my job keeps perking along with random bits of amusement thrown in just for grins.  The latest funny was when someone typed the 7 digit product code in place of the price on some woman's bill.  We charged over 4 million dollars for a $3.00 item.  I said all we'd have to do it get a half dozen people to pay for these and we'd keep the doors open for years to come!  lol 

Work hasn't been a picnic but I've managed to miss seeing the Network Nazi for close to two weeks now.  Today His Ass-Holiness called and was actually pleasant to me.  Of course he had to be.  He wanted answers only I could give.  On the other hand, he may just have realized I wasn't alone in the room when he called and he didn't want witnesses to his condescending behaviour.   

My younger sister called me at work today.  After regaling me with tales of random silliness perpetrated by her sons she said Mom called her at 10:30 last night and left a message saying she was taking my stepdad to the doctor today instead of next week and didn't know when she'd be home.  He was scheduled for some exploration of his nether regions in a search for suspected cancer cells.  He was supposed to go next Monday but apparently went last night or early this morning.  If the phone call came in at 10:30 that means it was 11:30 p.m. at Mom's.  What was she doing up that late and did they go in the middle of the night or what?  Is he sick now or did someone cancel and they just got him in sooner?  I know Mom would have preferred another day besides Monday for this so I'm hoping the change was due to the latter.  I should have called my youngest sister to see what she knew.  Duh!

I love Burn Notice!  If you aren't watching it you're missing some good stuff.  I think it was last week when Michael was pointing out all the reasons why this gang of bad ass car thieves needed to leave Miami.  After talking about the humidity and the trouble they could expect from him if they stayed, Michael said, "besides, your place is on fire" and walked out of the gang's bar.  I found it quite funny since it was Michael and Fiona who started the fire.  Another goodie this year is TNT's Leverage.  It has some quirky characters who do amusing things while trying to put things right for the underdog.  Just my kinda show. 

The thumb drive ad is baa aack. 

I went to work today because I had a board meeting to attend and my boss was out.  He called last night to remind me he'd be gone and tell me the I.T. Nazi would be in house so I should "give him stuff to do."  Yeah, right.

Those of us who work in offices have a sign-on to the computer on our desk that lets us in to do all kinds of wonderful stuff with all the various pieces of software installed on the computer.  The folks who work shifts don't have a personal sign-on, they all use a generic sign-on.  They only use one piece of software and it has a sign-on that identifies the computer then a second sign-on to identify the employee.  When someone calls and says they've locked themselves out of the computer, they mean they've locked themselves out of the software by screwing up their password or something.  The I.T. Nazi apparently doesn't know that and can't be bothered to figure it out so we got to play this little game today.

People called me to tell me they're locked out of their computers (meaning the software) and since I don't have access to fix it I told them I was not allowed to help them.  After a morning full of this (I tried to tell you I worked with AssHats now didn't I?) the I.T. Nazi sends me a very explicit email telling me I am allowed to help them unlock their computers and giving me instructions on how to do it.  Even after talking to one of the supervisors he still didn't understand they were NOT locked out of the computer, they were locked out of the software.  The end result is he's still a Nazi, the folks who were locked out of the software this morning are still locked out tonight, and I brought my plants home from the office.  There's no hiding it now.

My little sister had a quiz to see what Lost character you are but since I don't watch Lost and wouldn't "get it" if I tried that one I decided to try this one cuz I used to watch it all the time.

You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first Guys are a distant third to your friends and career. And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses. Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen. Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect... But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

In an update to my recent post about the inter-anal-crani-itis that is AssHat U, I was watching Sunday's episode of Brothers and Sisters and a character called someone an AssHat!  Score!

I spent all day yesterday sweetly telling people who trust me to help them, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to do that anymore" until I wanted to puke.  The checks cash and my pay's the same whether I can help anyone or not so I worked on some projects I'd put off since the first.  Of course I felt like crap from the hot one day cold the next precursor to spring tonsilitis/cold that I get at least once each winter.  The fuzzy headed feeling from that may have had something to do with my docile attitude. 

I was a little worried about calling in sick yesterday because it was my birthday and I was afraid if I did they'd think I'd gone on a bender and just had a hangover.  Turned out no one remembered it was my birthday (probably because no one's calendar has worked since the first but "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to do that anymore" ) so I took advantage of their forgetfullness and stayed home today instead.  Besides, anyone who heard me croaking like a frog when I tried to talk yesterday knows I'm really sick. 

I'm sipping buttered rum coffee purchased in Wyoming and wondering if I have any jello in the house because that wouldn't hurt going down.  I actually feel better today except for the cough.  So far I've cleaned all the useless files off the thumb drive I carry to work, changed the seal in my kitchen sink so it will quit dripping, and cleaned out my inbox from the last of the messages that built up while I was at Mom's.  She's on dial up.  It just wasn't worth it to even look while I was there.  Changing the seal should lower my gas bill since it was the hot side.  It was dripping before I went to Wyoming but I didn't have time to change it and didn't think it made any difference anyway so I let it go.  Now that it's fixed, I have to let the water run to get the hot water to the faucet so yeah, it did make a difference.  I wonder why those seals wear out so quick?  The entire faucet was new not that long ago.

I'm not a paid member of live journal anymore cuz I never seem to have time to post and I decided last fall not to pay for something I never use so now I get to see ads when I log in.  I'm hoping now that my major Christmas project is finished that I'll rectify the no-posting thing but anyway, today's ad was for the cutest little thumb drive in the shape of a panda bear.  From my first 64 MB drive (seemed HUGE at the time) to the 8 gig I carry all the time now, I've collected several sizes over the past few years.  In spite of knowing the 8 will hold anything I need to move around, I found myself clicking on the ad to check them out.  So okay, I'm not paying $45.00 for it but it sure was cute and wouldn't I be the coolest person at work if I had it????  mmmmm NO.

If the past 17 days is any indication, 2009 promises to be one hell of a year!  I went to Wyoming for Christmas.  Had a wonderful time, ate good food, laughed my ass off most of the time I was there cuz my family is just that witty, came home on the 28th and picked up Manhater in Dallas and brought her home for a visit with her kids then hit the ground running on Monday due to AssHat University's conversion to a new computer system.  Of course AssHat can't prepare for anything ahead of time because that might mean spending a few bucks and we aren't paying our old bills, let alone any new ones so on top of the conversion to a new internal system, we get an entire new network with new email addresses, new antivirus software, new printers, and we lose the ability to manage individual workstations from our office.  Yay!  <---- sarcasm

I did my best to catch up and prepare for the 31st when we shut everything "old" off but who expected it to be such a cluster f$%k?  Well, okay, I did but not for the reasons it was.  We were supposed to retain access to our previous network through my pc and several others strategically placed throughout the building but that didn't happen like it was supposed to.  I got tasked the job of contacting our old network people and getting them to help us get me back online without telling them we were leaving them permanently in a couple months.  Yeah, that conversation was a treat!  The corporate I.T. Nazi was there and decided I'm an idiot because I didn't realize we had port based security on our old network router.  I know, no one else cares about that or even knows what the hell I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you it was a disaster of epic proportions and he didn't know about it either.  Our final bills for stuff done on the 31st are still not out because of it and probably won't be until Tuesday or Wednesday of this week and that makes me laugh a little bit because when the shit hits the fan about it, it goes back on the corporate I.T. Nazi.

So anyway, it was chaos everday with me racking up over ten hours of overtime that first week.  On Saturday I'm kicking back trying not to think about AssHat and making plans to pick Manhater up at her son's so we can go to R & K's for dinner and movies when Manhater calls to tell me she's on her way to my house.  I think, isn't that nice, she's saving me trying to follow her less than stellar directions by showing up here early.  Nope, they arrive and her son starts pulling suitcases out of his truck.  He's spent the week she's been at his house fighting with his girlfriend and Manhater can't stand it anymore so she invited herself to my house for the second week of her vacation.  I explain how busy I'm going to be but no matter, she'll be fine she says.   She knows I usually get off work at 4:30 so she decides to cook for us on Monday night and has it ready at 4:30!  At 5:30 I'm still not home so she calls to tell me the gravy is ruined and when am I coming home????  Is this what having a wife is like?  lol  By the time I took her to the train station at 4:30 in the morning on Saturday (my only day off as it turned out) I'd taken her out to eat four times to keep her from fretting over when I was going to be home. 

So I worked (the week Manhater was staying with me) with the I.T. Nazi and my boss trying to get things straightened out and get things on the new system doing it the slow old fashioned way of going to each individual computer and running through the steps to move their email and files onto the new network and load new software and remove old stuff, etc.  The I.T. Nazi decided I'm his personal whipping girl so he yells at me every time he is onsite.  I'm so stressed out I find myself jumping everytime he's around and I've become completely incapable of defending myself no matter what stupid thing he accuses me of doing.  On Monday he had me thinking I was fired so I was sitting in my office crying (I'm a girl afterall and I was at my wit's end) when R came in.  I told him I was cleaning out my desk and preparing to leave so he went and got one of the head honchos from administration to come talk to me.  She said the I.T. Nazi doesn't have the power to fire me.  Where have I heard that before???  Oh yeah, from the people who didn't think the guy who fired them back in 2007 had the power to do it.

I decided to tuck my head in and try not to get it chopped off and just do my job and not make a fuss.  Then on Thursday my boss and I found out we no longer have control over the network or even the access needed to help people with the simplest tasks like fixing their passwords when they try a bad one too many times.  So that changed things again just when I was thinking there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.  The only slightly amusing thing this past week was the bills still weren't out on Wednesday so the billing office finally asked my opinion about what to do and now that they've made it their idea, they're willing to do what I suggested doing way back on Jan. 2!  Low and behold, my idea worked.  Believe me when I say I'm no genius - it's just that there are steps you have to take to make the old system work and they were trying to sidestep a bunch of them.  You can't, not when you use a mainframe as old as ours.  You have to do each step and they have to be sequential.  You can't skip a bunch and still expect the same results as you'd get if you did them all in order.

On Friday my boss told me the I.T. Nazi gave him back his access but told him not to give mine back to me...  He then told me if I find a better job, to take it because he doesn't know how long either of us will still be there and he doesn't think things are going to get better.  I was floored.  He's always been positive about the idea that I would be the last person they'd lay off.  In spite of seeing valuable people get laid off over the years I've been there, I always thought like him that since I was the only one who was doing the tasks I do and wearing the hats I wear at work, and since those jobs HAVE to be done by someone and training another person would be costly and time consuming, I stupidly thought I could count on staying until they close the doors.  He didn't say he thought either of us would get laid off he just thinks the crappy way things have been going is the way they are going to continue to go for as long as the I.T. Nazi is around and it doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon.

As per usual when I'm stressed out or on edge about something, I really just wanted to be left alone but that didn't happen until today.  Either I worked 12+ hour days (yay overtime) or there was someone at my house or someone expecting me to be at their house everyday since I got home from Wyoming.  I've thought about little else over the past few weeks and having the reality of my thoughts hit me in the face so to speak has me done being upset.  Today I'm mad and skills or no skills, I've decided to make the bastards fire me. 

This is a small town so the reality of my situation is there aren't any other jobs like mine around.  I'll have to move to do what I do now or downsize my life considerably if I take a job that pays less than what I make now.  I don't know when it will happen or even for sure if layoffs will happen (reliable sources in administration say there aren't any plans to lay anyone off) but I plan to be prepared for it.  They may close the doors before they lay me off if the fact that we aren't paying our bills is any indication.  I don't intend to pass up anything great and I have a couple of options that would pay less but keep me here near my kids and granddaughters.  They are both future options though and not available right this minute.  One even has a "real" retirement system and not just the 401K that I've watched shrink over the past year.  I may end up in the unemployment line before either of those jobs exist but I'm going to get every penny I can out of AssHat University before the last day comes.  They are allowing me to have unlimited overtime for the first time in years so I'll be going in early and staying late to do whatever I can to help the people who do the actual work at AssHat and laughing all the way to the bank about it.  I'm just that pissed off now!  I'm sure there's someone out there who needs bailed out with the extra tax dollars Uncle Sam will make off me for the next few days or weeks.