Raine... for several reasons including the hurt that would "rain" down on the bad guys if I was a secret agent ala the style of the girl in the tv show Alias.  lol

I'm going to the movies with friends tomorrow, Air Bender and the Sorceror's Apprentice.  I'd like to see Inception too but that would mean meeting them there and in this heat, the lure of riding in air conditioned comfort won out over my desire to see the movie.  Besides, I see enough movies by myself, I'd rather hang with my peeps.  lol  That just looks goofy.  Does anyone say peeps anymore and why do I picture giant sugary marshmallow chicks when I call my friends peeps?  lol

I got yelled at today because the coke man can't park.  He was taking up the entire exit lane at Subway so the only way to leave was through the drive through lane and I had the audacity to be ordering a sandwich when someone wanted to leave and call me crazy but I actually waited in line for my food rather than popping out, crossing traffic, immediately turning and racing back into line like some kind of other world version of a Chinese firedrill.  lol  What is the world coming to when a person like me holds up progress like that by daring to wait for my sandwich? (I actually backed up at one point to let someone out but once I was at the window and had paid for my lunch I wasn't leaving without it.)  It's a crazy life I lead. 

This is an occasional favorite and I learned it from my Mom, peanut butter and miracle whip sandwiches.  I like the tang of the miracle whip over mayonnaise on any kind of sandwich but it is really good on peanut butter.  How Mom came up with it, I do not know but it's good!

I gave in to the siren call of facebook and all it's cute little gamey things and as I sat here this morning viewing my progress in the latest Kingdoms of Camelot tournament I started thinking about how much time that all took.  My Gawd, I've lost whole evenings to mindless frippery!   I've lost hours, literally, of weekends when I could have been doing constructive things like, I don't know, actually leaving the house! 

When I started my facebook account it was to catch up with old friends and then the games started and then some higher ups at Asshat University added me so we could exchange farmville gifts and how could I refuse their friend requests?  Now it's become something for cute, innocuous posts because the real stuff of which lives are made have to be censored due to who's on my friends list!  And it's not like I'd have time to write anything anyway between farming and icing Mafia thugs and slaying dragons anyway.

Asshat U is still there and I was right about the restructuring, just wrong about the time frame.  The Network Nazi got me moved to another department and hired a male lap dog to replace me and my former boss.  The new guy is great at the nuts and bolts of fixing computers and unjamming printers but he knows nothing about the system itself so don't ask him to get any data for ya.  It won't ever happen and the mean spirited part of me sometimes smiles over that.  Bad girl!  I'm generally nice but SHE thinks the Nazi got what he wanted so suck it!  lol  Since then I've moved to yet another department and had several new hats added to my collection of daily duties and masochist that I am, I love it.  I'm becoming well rounded, employment wise.  Actually had someone tell me the other day that it is nice to come into the office and have me greet them with a smile as opposed to the previous tenant of my office who liked to bite the heads off frogs (or coworkers) for fun.  I took it as a compliment.  Yay me.  lol

I can't believe my last lj post was in October.  I have been writing (by hand, the old fashioned way) in a journal but mostly I spent the fall and early winter in a state of limbo, sort of half alive since my middle sister's death.  The anger at the warden isn't as sharp now but I still don't want to see him or talk to him, even on the phone.  I still tell people who ask, "Don't go there" especially if it's someone who doesn't need to hear or doesn't really care to hear my opinion on the "pimple on the ass of America" that her husband, the warden is.  Actually that's not the right term either because a pimple at least serves a purpose, even if it's an icky one.  The warden is a waste of good air.

Ex-boyfriend quit being the ex this winter then through a spectacularly stupid though not entirely unexpected show of asshattery he rejoined the ex category, or would if he would ever come get his shit out of my house.  :-)  But that's a story for another day and at least I'm back amongst the land of the living.  He did some of the pulling when I reluctantly at first, rejoined the human race.  The past six years may have been a carnival ride at times but there sure wasn't any doubt that we were alive.  No regrets baby!  Now come get your stuff!  :-)

There are happy things at my current job like the fact that I have one when so many people don't and I get to learn new things and I have friends there but no, I'm not completely happy.  I want more challenges and I want to be paid what a man in my job gets and I want to not have to be so paranoid about everything because one of the powers that be is on such a power trip that we have to justify everything we do if our actions aren't at her instruction.  Yes, I think there are dream jobs.  I also think that any job could be a dream job depending on the circumstances and the person in the job because as human beings, we like different things and our circumstances can sometimes make the most menial of jobs seem perfect. 

In five or ten years I don't expect to be in the same job I have now because I don't expect that job to exist at this business.  I expect a complete restructuring of the business in the next couple of years and there's a good chance that my job might even be phased out before then.  Am I working toward the goal of being where I want to be in 5-10 years?  No, not really.  I'm just hanging on, stuck in place, tethered here by things I don't want to lose by moving forward.  I know I'm stagnating and on some level I know it's not good for me even though another part of me doesn't care but I'm not ready to give up yet.  My job is not part of that.  It simply enables me to stay here.  I understand why I'm here in this place and time and I know how I got here.  When I finally don't want to be here anymore, I'll move on and then I'll find my dream job.  The job I have now could have been it.  It came close once but that was under different owners.

The Breakfast Club is one I've watched over and over.  Don't know why.  It just speaks to me. 

Duh!  If they have an inclination to cheat, knowing they won't get caught gives them the perfect opportunity.  Why wouldn't they jump at that? 

As for which sex in particular, the part of me that has been cheated on would like to say men are bigger cheaters than women but that's the obvious answer.  I read the other day that a survey found that 85% of the women they talked to said they've considered it.  The quickness of a male to become aroused and get off might make him more likely to cheat but not everyone wants wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

Does it take intercourse to cheat?  I know women who think if their man fantasizes about someone else, they've cheated.  I also know women who if they found out their men were masturbating in the shower they'd consider it cheating.  You would not believe the way a friend of mine carried on over her husband getting an offer for Playboy in the mail.  Like he can control what the mailman brings!  pfft

I've heard men justify affairs because their women don't understand them or don't care about them in that way anymore.  I personally know a couple where the male half would like sex once in a while but the wife always says no.  They haven't had sex in over two years.  She says she simply has no interest in that anymore.  I don't understand it but that's how she feels.  I also know a woman who strayed outside the marriage because her hubby suffers from ED.  Personally, I think she should have discussed it with him and figured out ways the two of them could have gotten around that, toys, new positions, Viagra, whatever.

Do I believe in marriage?  Yes, but it's a two way proposition and there doesn't seem to be anyway to get past the fact that one person usually gives more than the other.  If you are the giver and can accept that you probably won't ever get back as much as you give, then your marriage might have a chance.  If you can't accept that then you're headed for heartache.

I don't "do" depression.  I don't have time for it for myself and I don't have patience for people who think they are depressed because of some trivial incident like breaking a nail.  Depression is not just a state of mind and you can't just smile and suddenly be over it.  Depression is a real illness that can manifest with physical symptoms as well as mental.  It is real, I know that and I feel for people who really have it and I can understand the causes of it.

For myself I don't "do" depression but I do "do" mad.  My beautiful one year younger sister suffered from depression and it was real.  Her death on July 30 of this year was probably the most shocking thing I've experienced in years.  I can't really explain why because I don't entirely understand the incredible shift my own psyche has undergone since I forced my Mom to tell me over the phone while I was at work in front of my co-workers what had happened.  Mom didn't want to and it turns out Mom knew best.  I should have waited until I was at home with no witnesses but that's what happens when we "defy" our Moms.

Beauty died as a result of domestic violence.  I keep thinking about how much people change and yet I didn't see how much she had until it was too late.  She was always so lively.  I've always been kinda serious and shy and introverted even although I do have a pretty wide circle of friends but she was the go getter.  She figured out what she wanted and she did it.  She didn't worry about consequences or if she did, she sure didn't let it show.  She did what she wanted and you either got on board or you watched the train pull out without you.  When our father was ill and having heart surgeries I had 2 little boys and a new job and debt from a recent move on top of normal monthly bills.  I couldn't see anyway to go home to help and I was so afraid of us losing the little income we had that I never even offered to try to get home.  Beauty went.  She didn't care if she lost her job.  She didn't have a family of her own and she was confident people would understand how important family is.  Back then, if someone had suggested she might be fired her response would have been, "Fuck em."

I made a huge mistake in my early 20s that has haunted me ever since.  It was one of those mistakes that you can never take back and you end up carrying with you forever.  For me, it ended up defining me and many of the decisions I've made over the years since have been ruled by the fear that took up residence in me all those years ago.  Had it been Beauty, again she would have said, "Fuck em" and gone on with her life.  She was vibrant and smart and funny as hell until she wasn't anymore.

She got married in the early 90s and her husband was "normal" for the first few years.  Then they had children and he turned into a major control freak she only half-jokingly called "the warden."  He had to know where she was at every minute and woe be to her if she so much as smiled at another male.  He controlled her money by making it nearly impossible for her to work, he controlled where they went by allowing the children to behave so badly she was embarrased to be seen in public with them.  She had friends but they were mostly on the down low because they didn't entertain and having friends was completely discouraged.  He encouraged the boys to call her horrible names and misbehave to the point that the oldest was constantly in trouble at school.  And it broke her heart.  I remember her calling around the time the oldest was in kindergarten or first grade and she was so upset for him because he'd invited his entire class to his birthday party and NO ONE CAME.  They either didn't want to or they were forbidden to attend because of his potty mouth and meanness.  All of which was acceptable to the warden.

When Beauty got sick in the late 90s, his mother convinced him she was faking her illness and in spite of having to have a second surgery because the first hysterectomy was botched, he continued to believe it was all for show.  She tried to leave but she really loved those boys, more than anything.  More than her own life as it turned out.  California has stupid laws regarding divorces and a point came at which she realized she would only get out of the marriage if she was willing to leave the boys.  She couldn't do that so she stayed.  She gave up so much to stay a part of their lives.  And the thing that kills me the most is that in the beginning, the warden didn't even want the kids!  When they got married he said he didn't want kids and didn't change his mind until a couple of years had passed!  (There are some of us in the family who think she should have called his bluff about leaving them.  We all know he isn't a good parent and probably would have caved and let her have them after a couple of days of having to actually parent them for a change.)  Maybe that's what did it, maybe changing his mind and having children made him decide to make sure they were the worst possible kids anyone could have.  God knows the warden wasn't above "punishing" her whenever he saw fit.

She tried to get the oldest boy some help.  She took him to counseling and hoped they could figure out what was wrong with him.  When he was diagnosed as bipolar, she felt like it was a cop out because they couldn't or wouldn't take the time to really find out what was wrong.  I'm not a doctor by any means but I don't really see the bipolar either simply because he never had the upswings that bipolar people have.  He could be manic when he was angry but I don't know, I just don't see it.  And after the angry periods he didn't suffer the low periods.  Anyway, even with a diagnosis finally, the warden didn't believe he needed meds and wouldn't take him to his sessions if Beauty had to work and wouldn't remind him to take his meds or even take them with them on trips so the diagnosis, wrong or right, didn't matter.

The oldest boy's poor behaviour continued with him alienating himself even more at school until this spring he earned himself a suspension for several weeks.  His "punishment" for being kicked out of school?  The warden bought him a Wii.  But I digress as usual.  Beauty ended up having to quit her job, something I'm sure the warden rejoiced over because he knew she loved her job and it allowed her to interact with normal folks as opposed to the controlling kind.  She spent every minute of the suspension trying to talk to her son and trying to get him to behave right and with a few words, the warden would undo it all upon walking in the door.

I can only imagine the shock she must have felt the first time this child of her womb, the child she sacrificed her freedom for and loved with all her heart in spite of his obvious flaws, knocked her down for the first time.  Knocked her down in front of witnesses.  Knocked her down and out so she had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital to have her scalp stitched up.  Even the police could see she had done nothing to defend herself against him because as she put it, "I couldn't hit my child."  The warden tried to lie and say she fell but the police weren't buying it, not that day anyway.

So why do I say I "do" mad?  Because I'm angry.  I've been angry since July 30 and while it fades until I remember that Beauty is not going to call me at work just to tell me a joke or send me something stupid by email, it comes back as soon as I remember.  I saw her at Christmas time and I knew then she wasn't the same Beauty from our childhood but she was on some meds for her illness that only let us see glimpses of the real Beauty.  I knew but I convinced myself the meds were the reason.  So I'm mad at myself too even though I know there was nothing I could have done, nothing she would have let me do.

I'm angry at people who upon hearing that she died as a result of family violence think they have the right to ask questions, think they have the right to know every detail and actually ask questions about it and stand there waiting for me to answer.  I'm also angry at people who say stupid things like, "she just should have left" when they hear about it.  I'm angry at people who are so stupid as to think that's how it works.  Taking over someone's life is a gradual process.  it isn't like one day she just woke up and the warden was controlling her.  It was a process.  It was insidious.  It was slow.  It took years to get to that point.  And the overriding fact is she loved her children and couldn't see leaving them until it became impossible to stay.  And that is why she died on July 30.  Because if it hadn't happened then, on that day, she would have been gone. 

I am just so damned mad I can't even express it.  And I can't vent like I want to because I don't know if I could control it if I let myself behave the way I wish I could.  Until July 30, I didn't know I could get this angry.  I didn't really understand the phrase "impotent rage" until July 30 but I do now.  When I think about the root cause of the anger it fades and leaves such an incredible sadness behind that right now I guess I need the anger.  It isn't present all the time and i certain function as near to normal as I ever get *grin* but at moments I'm swept by such a strong desire to beat the crap out of someone that I have to not think about it. 

Asshat University is downsizing.  So far those included in the cuts include my boss who says he's glad it was him and not me since he's a 2 income house and I'm not.  I got moved to another department and they hired 1 person to do the computer/printer/networking stuff that two of us had been doing.  Even though neither of us are involved anymore, there's still some angst on the part of the Network Nazi toward us to the point that he will only speak to me if I say something to him in front of witnesses.  (You know me, I have to say something even if it's just hi because it tickles me to force him to speak.  lol)

I couldn't figure it out for a while, why the animosity but after watching the new dynamic I think I finally wrapped my mind around the problem.  If someone had an issue that we couldn't solve in a straight forward manner (usually because the Nazi took away our ability to do it) we'd have to talk to the Nazi about it.  If he wouldn't/couldn't fix it and refused to understand that deadlines are sometimes carved in stone, we'd find another way around the problem and after a few times of asking and being denied help, etc. we quit asking.  Why keep hitting our head against that wall?  The new guy will not do that.  There are no end runs around the NN, in fact if someone asks the new guy for help and the NN tells him it can't or won't be done, he just quits.  He doesn't care if it could lead to an audit or a complaint or a possible visit from the State or Federal government officials.  NN said no so it's no and screw you if you keep asking for help.  So within the limited abilities I've retained, I've been secretly helping people and it got to be too much.  I was at the point of having heart palpitations (not really but it felt like it sometimes) every time I got a phone call or someone asked me to come to administration.  Most of the requests to go "up front" were for donuts or birthday cake!

There's been a lot of stuff getting to me lately, not least of which is the death of my sister beauty_sleep .  I still can't wrap my head around that and changing jobs by force a week after my return from her funeral even though I'm doing a lot of the same stuff I was doing before, I just needed some time off.  I asked the CEO (who I now report to) if I could have a week and he said to "do what I thought was best."  WTF?

So I've been off for a week, a week in which I had planned to do a ton of stuff and here it is 1 day from being over and I haven't done any of the stuff on my list.  I read a couple of books, watched a lot of recorded tv, cooked, did some cleaning and just messed around.  My ceiling fans and windows still need cleaned, my filing is still in a heap, and my laundry isn't even done.  Maybe if the sun had come out for a few minutes this week, I might have gotten inspired but it didn't.  The most energetic thing I did was the election we had on Tuesday.  Spent all day cleaning up the office and catching up with that paperwork.  Yesterday I went to the courthouse to turn in the payroll sheets and it wasn't raining, just cloudy.  When I came back out a few minutes later, one of the detectives from the PD was walking out too.  It was sprinkling.  I said, "It's raining, what a surprise."  We laughed our asses off.  It rained over 6 inches in one day! 
What else can you do but laugh?

I may live to regret my week off but if the place closes like I'm half afraid it will, I wouldn't have gotten the pay anyway and if it doesn't, I'll have built that week back up by Christmas at which time, I'll probably take another week!  lol  Not going to worry and have palpitations over imagined horrors anymore!  There are plenty of real horrors out there that make my worry over keeping my job seem small.

Why on earth did I eat a piece of watermelon when I'm on my way to bed???  I swear I need my head examined sometimes.